We're seeking an Assistant TO the Regional Manager (this is NOT Assistant Regional Manager - the distinction is as important as the difference between bears and beets). The successful candidate will serve as second-in-command of the Scranton Branch, handling critical tasks ranging from emergency preparedness to workplace surveillance.

Key Responsibilities

Maintain and routinely update the Threat Level Assessment system (colors may vary from brown to black)
Lead the volunteer Sheriff's Deputy program within the office
Conduct random desk searches for contraband (primarily unauthorized jelly beans)
Organize and run the Party Planning Committee's backup committee
Maintain detailed records of everyone's time of arrival (down to the millisecond)
Lead mandatory fire safety seminars (no actual fires allowed since the last incident)
Monitor workplace relationships for signs of inappropriate alliances
Serve as Building Security Supervisor (Volunteer Position)
Manage the implementation of "Recyclops" initiatives

Required Qualifications

Expert knowledge of bears, beets, and Battlestar Galactica
Minimum 5 years experience in martial arts (must include knowledge of the deadliest moves from the Senpai)
Advanced degree in Sales OR Equivalent experience in beet farming
Certified in workplace surveillance techniques
Proficiency in operating a TransAm
Working knowledge of the entire Pennsylvania criminal code
Ability to recite the Dunder Mifflin mission statement while standing at attention

Preferred Qualifications

Experience in operating a diary farm or running a bed & breakfast
Knowledge of medieval weapons and their workplace applications
Ability to detect lies through basic observation of nose temperature
Expertise in zombie apocalypse preparedness
Fluency in German (for special operations)
Previous experience as a Hay Place supervisor

Physical Requirements

Must be able to sprint from the breakroom to the reception desk in under 15 seconds
Capability to perform perfect jumping jacks while reciting the pledge of allegiance
Strength to move occupied desks for impromptu office reorganization
Stamina to participate in lengthy stakeouts of neighboring businesses

Assistant to the Regional Manager